Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again...

For my last day in Bangkok I left Ella sunning herself by the hotel pool and made off on my own to the amulet market which I'm really glad I went to. It was probably the most Thai experience in Bangkok so far, very very few tourists there but lots of monks buying, well, their amulets! After that I made my way into one of the shopping areas and was in a busy shopping centre when loads of young Thai teenagers started screaming and running down the escalators (I was on the top floor). I thought maybe they'd seen some Thai pop star so myself and a few other farang were left standing around wondering who we were missing, when the shops started to close very quickly and then more and more people started to leg it out of the shopping centre. At this point I went into 'ah, it's a bomb scare' mode (as you do if you've lived in London for any length of time) and got the hell out of there as quickly as I could in the scrum.

Wasn't a bomb scare. Was an earth tremor which apparently had made the roof unstable. I didn't feel a thing or see a thing or have a clue what was going on, but made for the skytrain quite quickly whilst it was still running in case they stopped that (had visions of me being stuck not able to get back to our hotel to get Ella and get to the airport - I haven't posted yet about Bangkok traffic and probably won't bother now but just be known that it's traffic like you have never experienced before. Not just slow - static. For absolutely ages. Apparently there are several hundred new cars registered in Bangkok PER DAY and their roads simply can't cope. Cabs are a no-no unless you are very lucky with the timing of them, ie forget it if it rains, the traffic stands still. The traffic at its best, is a snail's pace. Cabs are very cheap, mind you!).

Anyway. Was all quite a dramatic end to a holiday that's already seen a typhoon and a shark attack (okay, not that).

When I say dramatic end to the holiday, I've obviously yet to get home in one piece!

Our last night....

Due to a minor hitch with our room, we had to change rooms yesterday. As there were no other twin rooms of the same standard available, we got upgraded to the Royal Suite - backpacking my arse!! I therefore spent my last night in Bangkok sleeping in a room that is bigger than my own flat. On the wall encased in glass was one of Yul Brynner's original outfits from The King and I.
I'm not actually joking about that.

Monks and shoes

Today we went to the Royal Palace and it's very beautiful. On the buses in London there are signs reserving certain areas for those with pushchairs or the disabled. Here, I love the fact that on public transport there are areas that are reserved for monks, who get to travel free.

You have to take your shoes off when you go into the Temples. But apparently only if you're a size 4 and are wearing very 70's style footwear or anything that rolls.

If anything happens to me then you don't have to take your shoes off. In fact, there will be some sort of post-Helen party and you can only attend if you wear fabulous shoes. Please ensure this is enforced in the event of my demise, thanks!

During a lengthy cab ride across town we got chatting to the driver (lovely guy) whose English was very good indeed. Well, I say lovely guy. He was incredibly lovely until we got on to the whole 'are you married' question. When I said 'nope' he then asked how old I was. I stupidly told the truth. He then laughed and shook his head a lot before asking if I was worried about it and proceeding to tell me that in Thailand as a single woman over 30 you are completely written off. This led to a conversational cul-de-sac where he then tried to tell me that maybe my best bet was one of the Western guys in their sixties/seventies who comes over to Thailand looking for a young bride. He was genuinely trying to be nice.

I of course laughed it all off and didn't let it bother me in the slightest. But his tip was somewhat reduced.

Bangkok

Arrived in Bangkok yesterday and spent the day getting our bearings and having an explore around. Ended up on the Khao San Road last night and then spent the taxi journey back to our hotel thanking my lucky stars that I'm not backpacking. It was fine, if you're a young traveller. With those traveller sandals that they wear. But goodness me the keyboards were the dirtiest I've ever seen in my life and the internet cafe's smelt of piss hence not updating this. Maybe I'm just getting old and the Khao San Road has a certain charm for those under 30. But our riverside hotel and a cocktail in the bar before retiring for the evening to our riverview room had a certain charm for me.

It was funny to be stopped dead in the street by a group of young girls to be asked how tall and how old I am. They wanted to know how tall I was at 13 (their age) to figure out if they'd grow as tall as me. The pic is them measuring themselves up against my back. They were very excited when I told them I was a mere two foot tall at 13...

Am loving Bangkok. Quite a full-on sensory experience but I do love a city and this one delivers.

Okay then....

...just a quick something silly.

This made me laugh. Wonder what sort of specific ailments you'd go to this doctor about?

Phang Nga Bay

Today I have been to my new favourite place that I've ever travelled to - Phang Nga Bay north-east of Phuket is simply the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I am sure that if you visit during high season your experience would be somewhat different and irritating to say the least, marred by the miriad of a million other farang sharing the bay with you, but today there were just a couple of boats and it was amazing. We lucked out totally with the weather too, sunny, hot and calm and it just made for a really fab trip.

Phang Nga Bay is made up of over 100 little islands and although I've put some photos up they really don't do it justice, it's kind of a see-it-to-believe-it place. We went in pairs in little canoes into Hongs (Thai word for 'room') which meant paddling through limestone caves where sometimes they were so low we had to lie down in the canoe so we could get through, then emerging into lagoons and grottos that are open to the sky but completely hidden from the outside world. It was really good fun and really honestly very stunningly beautiful. Unfortunately didn't see any crab-eating macaques (swimming monkeys that do exactly as their name suggests - they eat crabs and fish) but it's probably just as well because if a monkey had swum up to us I'd have been so excited that I probably would have fallen out of the canoe.

From Koh Hong and Koh Panak (where we canoed) we then went to Khao Tapu which was the location for Scaramanga's hideaway in The Man with the Golden Gun (see photo, am sure you'll recognise it).

Then onto Lawa Island which is simply a stunningly beautiful remote island with a wonderful beach, where we got to swim and cool down and lie about a bit. Until another boat turned up which was chocca full of tourists and guides...but it actually made for a really brilliant atmosphere because somebody brought a football with them and all of a sudden it was oars for goalposts and an impromptu game of footie followed with the Thai guides (blue shirts) versus the farang (bare-chested so let's call them the reds as we've all been a victim of the sunburn over here). Oh, on a tangent - the suntan lotion we bought we now realise was 2 years out of date so that's why we got burnt to crisps. D'oh!


I want to write loads of funny stuff but today was relaxing and beautiful and lovely and so I'm just going to leave it at that for now.

Difficult day

I'm going to need a holiday soon if I keep up this frantic pace. Today I had 45 minutes of reflexology, a lovely aloe body wrap for an hour which is floaty and dreamy and good for sunburnt skin (and yep, of course involves it being rubbed into my breasts but what the hell, am so over that now) and then an hour long oil massage.

I may need to go and have a lie down.

Thailand, part two

Phuket is like a different holiday. Koh Lanta was so very quiet and idyllic, Racha was quite and luxurious, but Phuket is neon and ladyboys and fake handbags and a Starbucks. I thought I knew what to expect but it transpires that nothing can quite prepare you.

I love the fact that there are two different classes of fake goods. Fake fakes (eg handbags), which the Thai's will scoff at and tell you how rubbish they are - they're right, they're not even made of leather and are all imported from China. And then there are the good fakes, leather handbags that look exceptionally like the real deal but cost about a tenth of the price (which is still a fair amount, especially to Thai's). Even the newspapers are fake - see pic for photocopies of newspapers for sale.

Today I've managed to get myself the most sunburnt I've ever been. I reckon that maybe even the suntan lotion I bought here was fake, so I have probably spent two hours sitting in the sun with cooking oil on or something. I look very red and my skin is screaming 'Brit abroad' as a result.

The massage verdict

Now the 'oriental oil massage' was very relaxing bar a couple of things:

- the bit where I think she was actively trying to make me black-out by finding and pinching that spot on the back of my next that Dr Spock uses to knock-out the baddies

- the bit where she massaged my breasts with oil. Now it's been a while since somebody massaged my breasts with oil and being a single girl I guess I've got to take what I can get. But a small Thai lady massaging oil into my breasts doesn't really induce a relaxed state. Not for me, anyway. I'm sure for some it would have been heaven on earth. But give me big man hands anyday.

Too much??

You only get an OOooooo with Typhoon

It's pretty impressive how quickly the sea can go from green and calm to incredibly stormy and angry and how quickly the sky can go from blue and cloudless to very black and then start to absolutely bucket it down with torrential rain (and provide an amazing thunderstorm just for added drama). I'm quite glad that this storm has hit us whilst we're here and not at sea somewhere, I think that could have been pretty scary. In the last 12 hours the resort is suddenly covered in detritus where a couple of trees have been blown down and loads of palm fronds are littered about having been torn out. One of the outdoor showers by the pool was ripped out of its housing by the storm.....as I say, when nature does dramatic it can be pretty impressive.

But jeeeeeees we’re bloody bored of it now. Can somebody please switch the sun back on - thanks. This is especially important in light of the fact that I was clearly a bit careless with my seating position on the ferry and I now have one arm browner than the other. It simply won’t do.

Room with a view - finished. Lovely. Made me want to live in simpler times and be more ladylike.

Barrel Fever - David Sedaris. Finished. Utterly hilarious, loved it. Thanks Lou.

Thai massage. Thai torture?

The website doesn't do it justice for just how luxurious this place is. I'm choosing to say posh luxury rather than romantic as the former makes me feel like I'm having a wonderfully pampered time, the latter makes me feel like I should be here on honeymoon.

Anyway, if you've been to super luxurious hotels in tropical places then you'll know how wonderful they are (beautiful infinity pool, indoor and outdoor shower in our amazing private bungalow, wonderful spa etc) and if you haven't then the last thing you need is for me to go on about how lovely it is. I'd hate me now if I were you.

We arrived on the speedboat and the white sandy beach has a private jetty which, rather than being a permanent structure, is made of floating plastic cubes all joined together. Which means that it bobs up and down with the sea. You have to see this thing to believe it, it's hilarious to walk along because as soon as a wave comes you undulate with it (it's perfectly safe but doesn't feel at all stable). Anyway, all we could think of was how glad we were that we didn't have to try and wheel our bags down it because we're clumsy cows and of course would have dropped all our stuff off the side. But the Japanese visitors who were walking down it in front of us were terrified and clinging on to each other practically in tears. Really dramatically, like their life was flashing before their eyes. Now here's the deal, we found this quite funny. Only because the worst thing that would happen is that they'd fall off the side into 2 foot of perfectly clear green seawater and just walk the last bit up to the beach. Granted, slightly humiliated, but not really a near-death experience. Anyway. Not even sure that's a story but wanted to keep you posted on the experiences so far, and a plastic floating jetty is certainly not an experience I've had before.

The other experience I'd like to share with you is the thai massage I had yesterday. I had one on Koh Lanta and it was quite nice, a bit relaxing but also a bit uncomfortable at times. But not sure she was a super qualified masseuse from the best massage school in Bangkok, more that she's kind of picked it up as she's gone along in life. Probabaly based on her experience of stroking dogs or something.

Anyway. The spa here is so stupidly luxurious that you know the staff are trained by the gods themselves. So I knew that this Thai massage would be the real deal.

So it transpires that a Thai massage basically consists of equal combinations of niceness and torture. It's supposed to be 'assisted yoga' where they warm your muscles then gently stretch them into yoga-like positions for you. I LOVED the sound of this; in my head all the bendy benefits of yoga without any of the work! Here's how it works - the masseuse spends the majority of the time ON the massage table with you, using her elbows and feet and other pointy bits that I couldn't see what they were but boy she was strong for a little chick, to deeply work every single muscle in you body that you know about along with those that you didn't realise you had. They do that thing that chiropractors do where they use all of their body weight to click out every vertebrae so it sounds as if it's doing something really bad to you but where in fact the sound of your back cracking freaks you out more than the actual feeling. Some of the positions she bent me into may have qualified me for a place in Cirque du Soleil and I'm sure that my ex-boyfriends may lament that I wasn't bendier earlier in life, but after 90 mins of being pinched and stretched and hit with rocks (okay, made that last bit up) I very timidly cancelled my booked massage for tomorrow and instead changed it for an oil-based aromatherapy massage. Which if done Thai style is probably done with barbed wire and bleach or something.

I should say at this point that I felt bloody wonderful after it was done, all sort of floaty and calm. But also still too scared to do it again tomorrow!

(here's a pic of the jetty of hilarity. Well, it was when I originally wrote that. But subsequently found out that a girl the previous day DID fall off and cracked her head on a rock and knocked herself unconscious. The jetty of hilarity is no longer funny).

New kind of luxury

Very quick as am in aircon office of Racha Hotel on Phuket Island waiting for the speedboat to take us to Racha Island and our super luxury hotel. I realised how super luxury it was going to be when they asked us to select, from a range, which scent of products we'd like to have already installed in the bathroom of the room when we get there (for those who care, of course we went for jasmine) The king of fragrances! Or something like that.....maybe I've had too much sun to the head. Entirely likely, as we did sit outside for hours on the ferry ride here (totally stunning ferry ride, by the way, but then most of the rest of the world has been to Thailand and ferry hopped so I don't need to bore you with the beauty of it when I'm one of the last people left on earth who has got to my thirties and not done it) and I do think I'm a completely different colour than I was this morning...or maybe I've just sunburnt my retinas.

Okay, laters. Going to make like it's an Elton party now and hop on the speedboat to the private island. No, I'm serious. We really are!

Easy Rider

I'm sure that a photo of me, kids and puppies could sound worrying. But aw...how cute?!

We had lots of fun yesterday hiring out mopeds and zipping round Lanta. In a couple of hours on the road we only saw one other westerner, I wasn't joking about there being no other tourists. We went right down to the bottom of the island and I wish I could upload photos to show you how beautiful it is: just think clear sea and blue sky, lots of jungle-covered mountains (okay then, REALLY big hills) and lots of other islands dotted in the distance. You get the picture. Oh, and as per my previous post, we saw loads of dogs. Loads and loads of dogs! Ella nearly had a bit of a curious incident of the dog and the moped when one ran out in front of her but luckily she swerved like a maniac and managed to somehow, somehow (neither of us quite know how!)to both stay on the bike and miss the dog.

We stopped for a coconut shake (that's a drink, not a fabulous new dance move that we'll be perfecting over the next few days, although it clearly should be) and when we went to get back on the bikes the guy stopped us and wouldn't let us get back on until he'd poured ice water on the seats and dried them off and he was bloody right to do so, they had got to hot in the sun they'd have taken the skin off our arses! (for those of you who are now imagining for some reason that we were riding mopeds naked, please rest assured we weren't. I meant skin off the back of our legs but arses sounded a smidge funnier). Okay, just a bit ruder. Is rude still funny?

Quick post as just about to have a banana pancake (breakfast staple when in hot countries, I find) and head to the ferry for a long trip to Phuket to pick up a speedboat to take us to Racha island.

Long Beach, Koh Lanta

Long beach, long days and long nights. Really nothing to do except relax and swim. Even though we knew it was out of season, we are only a WEEK out of season and there really aren't any people around at all. The odd few Thai tourists who are having their own summer holiday, but that's really it. Oh, and loads of dogs. Pretty much reckon Koh Lanta must mean 'Island of Dogs' - there are bloody loads of dogs and it's really funny as they all hook up on the beach at sunset and have a play.

As such it already feels like we've been here for ages and that London and the real world is a million miles away.

Currently reading Room with a View but this isn't the Richard and Judy book club so that's all you're getting from me on that.

We're staying in a beach hut where the only sound is the cicadas, the wind through the palm trees and the inexorable sound of the sea hitting the ledge of sand on the beach every ten seconds or so. It really is very tranquil and utterly beautiful. In the distance are lots of islands jutting up from the sea, how many you can see depends on how hazy it is with humidity which is generally very very high (can't take many pictures because the minute you open the camera the lens steams up).

Oh and the sound of Club Tropicana coming out of my ipod speakers :-)


Does my bum look big on this beach?! That's supposed to be a gag. No comments please!

After plague of frogs...

...of course, I should have guessed. Plague of mosquitoes.

The way I'm choosing to think of it is that it's nice to be wanted. My legs in particular were extremely wanted last night and I have many many mozzie bites to show just how tasty I am.

Currently residing on Koh Lanta island and weather update (obsessed) is that today it's sunny and everyone looks kind of shocked so we're making the most of it and 'bbq-ing' ourselves (phrase picked up last night from Bob, a local crazy who runs a bar here. I think that the nicest thing to say is that he's endearingly mad).

We had all sorts of plans that it may not be all that easy to carry out as the ferries/boats between islands are now really quite limited due to it being out of season, so every move now is taking a bit of military planning. There are places we'd like to go and see (Phi Phi, for example) but have to figure out two moves in advance so we're not stuck anywhere. Basically by Tues we have to get to Racha Noi island (just off Phuket) to stay at The Racha hotel. As lovely as that looks, if it's a problem to get there we're thinking of binning off the reservation and maybe heading somewhere else instead, who knows.

Right, enough for now. If this is my one day of sunshine then I am going to make the most of it.

It's raining

Of course it is.

A lot.

And there is a plague of frogs. There was even a frog in our shower this morning.

What happens after plague of frogs?!

Arrival and first report

Hello from Thailand. I'd write it in Thai except that I don't know it in Thai (could find out from the Lonely Planet but the Lonely Planet is on my bed in SW18 - helpful) and even though I'm someone who is comfortable finding their way around a computer, I am slightly baffled by a Thai keyboard.

Coconut drink - tick.
Thai massage - tick.
And that was just in Bangkok airport waiting for the connecting flight to Krabi.

The words of the air hostess on the second flight kind of made us share a Paddington Bear stare, she was speaking to an elderly lady asking her to stay on at the end so they could get a wheelchair to her. Then she just had to ask. "Why you come now" in an accusatory tone. The lady looked a bit perplexed until the air hostess explained "raining. all the time". We are trying to set our expectations but are getting a little bit anxious now that maybe we should have taken the rainy season thing a little more seriously!

Arrived in Krabi now and just had a bite to eat (obviously asked for the food to be Western style, which means it's supposed to be much less spicy than the locals eat it. Er....more Western than that please!)

For those of you obsessed with the weather (I am) it's very very humid. In the time it took for us to walk from down the plane steps into Krabi airport (approx 2 mins) my hair went curlier than it's ever been. This will not be a good hair holiday. Think Monica in the friends episode where she comes back with braids with shells at the end in order to tame the frizz. Bring on the shells!

There were spectacular thunder storms on the way here which I guess is an indication of things to come, it's been bucketing it down for the last few days thanks to a freak (early season) typhoon that hit two days ago. Just for us.

We're trying to gee ourselves up that it doesn't matter if it rains and if it's grey for 2 weeks, it's still a holiday.