Bookworm

In the space of a week on holiday I managed to devour the following books:

1. Confederacy of Dunces (Kennedy Toole)
2. Naked (Sedaris)
3. The Voyage to the end of the room (Fischer)
4. Season of the Witch (Mostert)
5. The Steep Approach to Garbadale (Banks)

Now as I've said before - the Richard and Judy book club this ain't so I'll just give a very quick overview of my thoughts.

1. Wonderful. Will probably read again at some point and get even more out of it.
2. Great holiday read but didn't enjoy as much as Barrel Fever
3. Well written, some good musings on life so served well as holiday book
4. Hmm. Had run out of books here and Claire bought this at the airport. Let's just say it helped pass the time.
5. Another one of Claire's. Again, worked well as a holiday read but don't get excited if the last Banks book you read was The Crow Road as this isn't a patch on that.

MUST. READ. MORE. WHEN. HOME.

Soup?

er, I'll have the tomato please...

Revelation

Now, I've known my friend Claire for quite some time but I have learnt something about her this holiday. She is, quite simply, flypaper for Turkish men. They absolutely love her. We can be walking down the street and they are almost falling at her feet professing undying love. She has a power over them that has to be seen to be believed.

I need to find out if her power only works in Turkey or if it's Turkish men the world over who are smitten by her charms. As such, I propose to drive her down Green Lanes in Haringay and see how many Turkish men actually jump on the car trying to get nearer to her.

I am excited by the prospect that when out drinking with her, I may never have to pay for a kebab again.

(just some of the men - notice the flypaper effect. They are quite literally smitten so much they are physically stuck to her)

Getting silly now

Found the 'i' key - hoorah! have no idea what this 'ı' is that i was using for an i but it's ın the i place on the keyboard so ı am goıng to have to keep usıng ıt otherwıse ı'll be here all day tryıng to type.

It was 56 degrees today, 39 in the shade. That's just sılly. I wıll be comıng home pale because ıt's too hot to sıt out.

Passed out on the beach yesterday due to the heat. Tres tres embarrassıng as was unconscıous and carrıed wearıng only my bıkını ınto the shade, where I woke up a few mınutes later extremely confused. Was kınd of beıng sensıble, had only been on the beach for about an hour and we had a bottle of water we were drınkıng steadıly from but I have never experıenced heat lıke thıs and my body just saıd nope - and a jelly head ensued.

I woke up, confused and disorientated (ıf you're a fainter you'll empathise) because you can hear before you can see. So I could hear fussıng and people around, then woke up to realıse they were fussıng and round me. Two old Englısh guys then completely threw me ınto even more confusıon by goıng on and on about eatıng pork pies and how apparently I should be doing more of it (too surreal) whılst another one kept grabbıng my feet and lıftıng them onto a cushion so the blood could apparently flow back to my jelly head.

No lastıng harm done (other than to my prıde) and I shall love Claire forever for trying to make me feel better when she told me about it all (as of course, I had been unconscıous so oblivious). She saıd 'you looked very glamorous when the Turkısh guy was carryıng you, you were very dignifıed and your head didn't loll about too much and you just looked limp but dıdn't drıbble so ıt looked quıte dashing, wıth hım carrying you'.

love her.

and bless hım for rescuing me too, whoever he was.

Cold Turkey??

Far from ıt! It's over forty degrees so proper scorchıo. And notıcably unlıke Thaıland, thıs ıs a very dry heat but ıt's completely energy sappıng. However, as the plan for the week ıs to do lıttle else except lıe on the beach I don't see that thıs ıs goıng to be too much of a problem.

Went to the market today whıch was fun, stocked up on fruıt and turkısh delıght but left fake handbags and sunglasses well alone (not a patch on the copıes ın Thaıland, sweetıe). Claıre and her ample bosom attracted the attentıon of many a Turkısh man and I'm not sure how amused she was when they shouted 'hello Jordan' but ıt was quıte funny for me (I assume they were referencıng the overly pumped wıfe of Peter Andre and not the mıddle eastern country).

Usıng thıs keyboard ıs pretty trıcky, very few thıngs are where they should be so ıf thıs ıs actually all publıshed ın Turkısh I apologıse ıf ıt's trıcky to read....

Project Chez Moi

And so it starts...

The first builder came round today to quote on the potential extension of Chez Walker (I'm toying with the idea of having an entirely new wing build just off the west lobby as long as it still leaves enough room in the grounds for the peacocks to strut happily between the orangery and the lake and doesn't obscure the view from the library).

I quite liked the guy, he seemed to really know his stuff and the intricacies of dealing with Wandsworth Council planning department and I particularly liked it when he said that his company would take on absolutely everything to do with the work as a fixed price (drawings, planning, hiring skips, party wall stuff, project management of the build) and that all I'd need to do is go to work to get out of their hair and earn the money to pay for it. It was quite reassuring in a 'bloody hell this is going to cost me a fortune' sort of way.

I'm sure the topic of my extension will reoccur many times here if I decide to go ahead with it. It's not going to be cheap but it will be much cheaper than moving to a flat of the equivalent size. And hey, so far all it's cost me is 1 cup of tea and 1 cup of coffee (he had one of each. Is this a good or bad sign?).

nasty little habit

oooh the newly opened Haymarket Hotel is a bit nice. Kind of like Tigerlily's in Edinburgh if you've ever been there. Quite perfect for cocktails on a Friday night, even if a bit meeja (but then, I was with people from work so I guess we are meeja, dahlink). Mwah!
Just the twelve quid for a cocktail (eeek) but you do get twelve pounds worth of loveliness in a glass. And it's tomorrow now and I'm as hungover as hell so those cocktails are clearly the gifts that keep on giving!

But there was a dark side to the evening that can't be glossed over. I'm afraid I indulged in my new nasty little habit again.

Karaoke.

Simon won

'nuff said

You're fired!

Surely, surely Sirallun is going to hire Kristina as his Apprentice this evening. It's in the bag. Isn't it!?

Surely simple Simon isn't even properly in the running and is only in the final because Sirallun had a lucky escape last week when evil incarnate Katie chucked in the towel (only after she'd had an affair with the towel, got it to leave its wife, chewed it up, spat it out and left it for dead - all whilst giving her winning race-horse smile to camera).

Of course, Simon may be the victim of cruel editing and isn't in fact as deeply irritating as we've been led to believe. And Kristina may be a victim of cruel editing and not be as orange as we've been led to believe.

Either way, you've got to feel sorry for the winner. They have to start work in a week, in Brentwood, for Amstrad. They've worked for 11 weeks to get that 'prize' and their 100k isn't even 100k after tax.

Compare this with the fools in the BB house. 13 weeks of sunbathing and larking about and they can leave with 100k - tax free!!

Perhaps not so foolish after all...

C4 refuse to back down over plans to show Olympic logo

The head of Channel 4 refused point-blank to yield to request from medical groups, The Church of England, Colin Redgrave, delegates at the G8 Summit and a superstar pressure group consisting of Bono and Julie Walters not to show the Olympic logo on Channel 4.

The planned transmission, which is believed to involve broadcasting the logo constantly for an hour, will go ahead - despite warnings that it would result in hundreds of people bursting so hard that they would cause billions of pounds' worth of damage.

'I understand that people are bursting all over the place, but mostly from their stomach' said a C4 spokesperson. 'But we've also got to respect the fact that showing the logo is in the public interest'.

When asked why, he responded 'Because when we said we were going to show it, it caused a huge public row that got reported in the newspapers bought by people. Which now makes it in the public interest. So we have no alternative but to show it. We'd love not to show it, but there's no way we can do that now. D'you see?'


[Armando Iannucci is the author of this genius post].

Olympic logo

At least 34 people are known to have died, with that number set to rise, after the disastrous launch of the new Olympic logo. Although the online animated version of the logo was removed after causing epileptic seizures in a number of viewers, it was only as the day went on that it became clear that the static version on posters also posed health problems for vulnerable members of the public, some of whom have burst into a fit of apoplexy.

One woman, whose stomach remains were found scattered over Gloucester and parts of Hereford, was known to have exploded in rage at breakfast time, whilst a pub full of victims detonated in Northampton after watching the logo on the news and getting really annoyed.

'This has got to be stopped' said one publican. 'People are bursting willy-nilly, it's like Alien, with sloppy design being the cause of the rupture rather than an interplanetary parasite'.

'I fought in the Falklands' said another, 'and once saw a pile of Argentinian legs which I then bayoneted just to be on the safe-side. But nothing has prepared me for the full horror of this contemporary design. The people who came up with it should be taken outside and shot'.

[Yep, Armando Iannucci again].

On being appreciative

As you may know, from a relationship point of view the last few months have been really tough going. However, rather than use this space to wallow in the misery of a broken-heart (it wouldn't help and how dull would that be for you to read?!), I'd like to just acknowledge a few of the things that I've got to be thankful for right now (apart from the unspoken obvious ones, like er, my eyes and my legs and the fact that for the most part, my internal organs all seem to be doing their jobs just fine and that I don't live in Darfur, etc etc).

1. I have got the best friends in the world. I really have. You can't argue with me on that one because it's a fact. Even if you have extremely nice friends, I'm afraid they're not a patch on mine. Unless they are the same people.

2. Car karaoke. I can't sing, not even slightly. I don't have any desire to sing, or to do karaoke and make a twat of myself. However, in the little sanctuary that is my car, I couldn't be happier than when I'm driving through lovely giddy London on a sunny day, sunglasses on, windows down, singing along to Candi Staton (or whatever else it is that particularly takes my fancy*.

3. Dogs. Really, most types. Scruffy smiley dogs are obviously the best. But any happy dog larking about in the park just makes me smile.

4. Serrano and manchego. Crikey those Spaniards really know how to do ham and cheese, don't they?

5. The summer. Honestly, I'm sure this would all seem a lot worse if the weather was grim and dark.

Anyway. This isn't an exhaustive list, of course it isn't. I've got lots and lots more than 5 things to be appreciative of but I just wanted to get a few of them down here to remind me that it's not all bad.

* playlist for 'Now that's what I call car karaoke' (volume one) can be made available upon request if you are particularly interested

It's June.

Can somebody please tell the weather?